I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize