I will die if light touches me.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
