I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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