my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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