Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
