We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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