Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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