..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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