I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
