What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I wish there were birth control emojis
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
