Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Never underestimate the power of titties
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
