Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
