We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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