don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
