just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
