im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
