The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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