I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
