Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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