textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
