The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
