Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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