There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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