If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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