if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize