The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
