Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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