Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
