i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
