My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
