one two three fourrrrnication!
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
