Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize