The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
