i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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