Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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