matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
