I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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