I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
