Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize