And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
