I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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