What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
