Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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