I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
