The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
be right there i have to get my cape
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
