I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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