i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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