He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
