wrigley field is MILF paradise
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
