I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
