somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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