I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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