Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
im holly from the hills drunk
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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