I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
