i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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