my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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