Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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