he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize