You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
