Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
