The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
