I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
