yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Randomize
