you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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