you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
