whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
