He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I pour the whiskey from now on
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
